Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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