just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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