my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
