I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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