I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just found a bag of teeth...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
