i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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