Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
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Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
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I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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