the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
