I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
