i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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