Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Randomize
