Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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