Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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