im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
