You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Fuck me I smell like cheese
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
