I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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