That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
