Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
