Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
