im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
