I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
