Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
