You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
