Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
