I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
