"it" just moved
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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