Someone shit on the floor
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize