he wants to bone in the snuggie
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
