we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
