she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I could make wine with my vomit
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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