I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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