I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
