i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
