Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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