Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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