I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
