On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
