How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
