And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
