apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
