After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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