Where is the hickey?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just high enough for therapy.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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