Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
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