Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
