your parents love me but you hate me
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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