Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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