I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Of course I have a pirate flag
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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