she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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