Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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