Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
