I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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