Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
