I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Someone came in the potted fern
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
