I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
