Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
