I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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