I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
