I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
