if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Did you just see the Batmobile???
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
